I'm Over It

Proverbs 18- I just found that in this time of frustration. And it helped me.

I just laid in the floor of the shower and cried for awhile. I was sad and upset with myself. But then I just got so angry. I hate how we as human beings have such a hard time doing something for other people. Even little day to day things that would take nothing from us, we just can't seem to do because of some reason or another.

It's hitting close to home lately, it seems. I see it in my friends. Everyone just looks out for themselves and their own happiness with no regard to what their actions might do to those around them who they claim to care about. I guess I was always taught to think before I speak and definitely before I act. We've been learning about different leadership and group styles in psych nursing and one that fits here would be the utilitarian style. The greatest good, for the most people. Maybe thats a naive way to live life, but I don't care. Or maybe I should care, since it seems other people don't follow suit on that particular point.

Investing upwards of 4 years in various friendships to then have these people talk about me behind my back and fake a smile when they see me in the valley is frustrated. It pisses me off! I just don't see a point in really trying to mend these relationships when those on the other end continually hurt me like they do. I really hate that I'm writing all this in this way on here. It seems lame to me, and immature.

Mostly, like I said earlier, I'm over this selfish factor that lives within all of us. It makes me so angry. My friend Zak was telling me on Saturday about how C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity that humans aren't capable of doing anything that isn't out of selfishness. We talked about how even people who appear to be so giving and humanitarian sometimes only do these things for the recognition and approval. It seems so much more meaningful to me to hear about someone who helped out quietly, without having to tell everyone about it. Jesus performed His miracles and helped those in need at any time and in many different settings. He didn't wait until everyone was watching to make sure He had a packed house to see His tremendous deeds.

Meg said she needed to call my mom and tell her I need her.

...Maybe she was right.