I'm Bad at Crying

This is an entry I originally wrote in my journal on 3/22/2009. I wanted to share it at the time in a blog. I, however, had not made the decision to start one. But, now that I do have one, here it is:

3/22/2009

I've had to grieve over losing people before in my life. Grandpa Bob in middle school, Nick Later in summer 2007. Those two stick out in my mind. But every time it comes, it hits me so unaware. I see myself as strong-willed and like to think I'm independent. This combined with my incurable stubbornness, gets me in so much trouble. I'm also always keeping everything in. I store up sadness, frustration, bitterness for sometimes months at a time. I like to think "I can take it!", like nothing can hurt me.

Until I break.

And when I do, watch out.

Tony Quarterman died last Friday. I was on spring break and couldn't be at the funeral or present to be with Kayla, Margie, and Bryan in those crucial days right after. I had to keep it all bottled up during a week of fun with the girls. I hated it. I dealt with rude comments from some of the girls about my relationship with Thomas again. I hate how much behind the back talking is done among us lately. All those little things added to what I was really dealing with. The loss of an amazing, funny man I'd known my whole life who was taken at what appears to human eyes as far too early. Bryan is getting married in May, Kayla hasn't graduate from college yet. I know God's plan is perfect. But it just is so hard to think how they must be feeling

So me, "the bottler", busted today. I've cried. I've been thinking things over in my head. I just gotta deal. School's happening whether I like it or not. I'm also a dweller. Bottler, dweller, basketcase. I'm anticipating this stressful week ahead and making it out to be much worse than it really probably will be. And all I really wanna do is eat some chips and dip with the Quartermans. Talk with them. Then lay on the couch and watch movies with Mom. THIS week needs to be spring break.

I also need something to get me on a better track with God. And an intervention with these girls I call my friends. I don't know. God is bigger. I gotta remember that. He's bigger and better. He knows what's right and all things work for good if I trust Him and allow His will in my life. Writing this felt good. Maybe I should blog after all? Break my own rule...

-bottler, dweller, non-blogger...

~Maybe at least a Facebook note? Although letting the world see this big part of me would go against the bottler within me. Maybe that's good? Thinking about it so much proves the dweller side of me...