I'm Over It

Proverbs 18- I just found that in this time of frustration. And it helped me.

I just laid in the floor of the shower and cried for awhile. I was sad and upset with myself. But then I just got so angry. I hate how we as human beings have such a hard time doing something for other people. Even little day to day things that would take nothing from us, we just can't seem to do because of some reason or another.

It's hitting close to home lately, it seems. I see it in my friends. Everyone just looks out for themselves and their own happiness with no regard to what their actions might do to those around them who they claim to care about. I guess I was always taught to think before I speak and definitely before I act. We've been learning about different leadership and group styles in psych nursing and one that fits here would be the utilitarian style. The greatest good, for the most people. Maybe thats a naive way to live life, but I don't care. Or maybe I should care, since it seems other people don't follow suit on that particular point.

Investing upwards of 4 years in various friendships to then have these people talk about me behind my back and fake a smile when they see me in the valley is frustrated. It pisses me off! I just don't see a point in really trying to mend these relationships when those on the other end continually hurt me like they do. I really hate that I'm writing all this in this way on here. It seems lame to me, and immature.

Mostly, like I said earlier, I'm over this selfish factor that lives within all of us. It makes me so angry. My friend Zak was telling me on Saturday about how C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity that humans aren't capable of doing anything that isn't out of selfishness. We talked about how even people who appear to be so giving and humanitarian sometimes only do these things for the recognition and approval. It seems so much more meaningful to me to hear about someone who helped out quietly, without having to tell everyone about it. Jesus performed His miracles and helped those in need at any time and in many different settings. He didn't wait until everyone was watching to make sure He had a packed house to see His tremendous deeds.

Meg said she needed to call my mom and tell her I need her.

...Maybe she was right.

I'm Bad at Crying

This is an entry I originally wrote in my journal on 3/22/2009. I wanted to share it at the time in a blog. I, however, had not made the decision to start one. But, now that I do have one, here it is:

3/22/2009

I've had to grieve over losing people before in my life. Grandpa Bob in middle school, Nick Later in summer 2007. Those two stick out in my mind. But every time it comes, it hits me so unaware. I see myself as strong-willed and like to think I'm independent. This combined with my incurable stubbornness, gets me in so much trouble. I'm also always keeping everything in. I store up sadness, frustration, bitterness for sometimes months at a time. I like to think "I can take it!", like nothing can hurt me.

Until I break.

And when I do, watch out.

Tony Quarterman died last Friday. I was on spring break and couldn't be at the funeral or present to be with Kayla, Margie, and Bryan in those crucial days right after. I had to keep it all bottled up during a week of fun with the girls. I hated it. I dealt with rude comments from some of the girls about my relationship with Thomas again. I hate how much behind the back talking is done among us lately. All those little things added to what I was really dealing with. The loss of an amazing, funny man I'd known my whole life who was taken at what appears to human eyes as far too early. Bryan is getting married in May, Kayla hasn't graduate from college yet. I know God's plan is perfect. But it just is so hard to think how they must be feeling

So me, "the bottler", busted today. I've cried. I've been thinking things over in my head. I just gotta deal. School's happening whether I like it or not. I'm also a dweller. Bottler, dweller, basketcase. I'm anticipating this stressful week ahead and making it out to be much worse than it really probably will be. And all I really wanna do is eat some chips and dip with the Quartermans. Talk with them. Then lay on the couch and watch movies with Mom. THIS week needs to be spring break.

I also need something to get me on a better track with God. And an intervention with these girls I call my friends. I don't know. God is bigger. I gotta remember that. He's bigger and better. He knows what's right and all things work for good if I trust Him and allow His will in my life. Writing this felt good. Maybe I should blog after all? Break my own rule...

-bottler, dweller, non-blogger...

~Maybe at least a Facebook note? Although letting the world see this big part of me would go against the bottler within me. Maybe that's good? Thinking about it so much proves the dweller side of me...

For Starters

I've wrestled with the idea of starting a blog for sometime now. I'm not a very open person. The thought that people might see me as inadequate or a failure terrifies me. I guess I just don't know how to be okay with the fact that I am a human being and with that comes a lot of screw ups.

I have recently been trying to confront some of my flaws or peculiarities. Some of these instances I hope to be able to share through this blog later on. But one of my biggest ones is that which I stated earlier about being vulnerable. I have been challenged by some of my friends and I have decided to rise to the occasion.

I'm not going to make any claims about blogging everyday or making sure to update with every interesting event that takes place in my small world, but I can say that when I do write I will be writing about the things that really matter to me. I've used my various journals in my life as my release. I write in them when I'm about to bust with emotion; whether it be happiness, anger, confusion. I liked the feeling of security I had with the journal. "For My Eyes Only"

A blog is not for my eyes only...It's for the world wide webs eyes. Emphasis on the world wide.

So, with some Death Cab playing in my iTunes on shuffle, here goes nothing...